Dearest Kidney Cyst,
Though I have enjoyed hosting your existence for who knows how long, it is time that we part. The doctor has scheduled your departure for next Wednesday. He agrees that you are much too large and are affecting my quality of life. In fact, according to him, you are the reason that I still have a belly pooch! The doctor predicts that you contain 3-4 liters of fluid and are pushing all of my organs forward. It was funny, dear cyst, he said that while you are being drained on Wednesday, I will literally be able to watch the size of my stomach decrease! No doubt, I am excited for this to happen :)
The doctor also showed me a picture of you. You are 4 times the size of my bladder and are impinging on vital organs! It is most certainly time for you to come out. Don't feel too badly yet, dear cyst, because you are only being drained on Wednesday. The doctor said you will most likely come back. To monitor your re-growth, I have to go back a week after you're drained for yet another CT scan. (I refuse to have this done locally, however, due to my last experience). This scan will tell everyone whether or not you have decided to reappear. If you have decided to take up residence once again on my kidney, then the doctors will be forced to marsupialize you or use the DaVinci robot (both of these options don't thrill me, so it would be great if you could just not reappear)!
I'm sure you have lots of questions, cyst, about what will be happening to you in the near future, however, I can't really explain more to you about the marsupialization or robot until I know if you will require either one of those procedures. I do know that the drainage will require me to get a shot in the belly (local anesthetic), and then have a tube inserted in order to drain you. I have also been told by the hospital that I will not be able to drive myself home after this procedure....you certainly are demanding!
So there you have it, dear cyst. An informative post dedicated solely to you! Don't you feel special??
Sincerely,
Your host
3 comments:
This post made me laugh. Yeah, that cyst certainly needs a talking to.
However, I think you are far too polite to your cyst, under the circumstances. I recommend stronger language. Dear cyst, it is over. Leave now. If you are not out by Wednesday, you will be forcibly removed. If you attempt to return, you will be completely obliterated.
I can't wait to see that cyst put into its place.
How did it go yesterday?
Sooooooooooooooooo freaking funny! I was laughing my butt off! You really are an excellent writer. Give up teaching, write a book, and become a millionaire. And make sure to mention me in the THANK YOUS. :P
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