Oh, that's right, I've been writing papers, reading textbooks, working 45+ hours a week (I started back Oct. 1), taking care of my 4 1/2 month old, (trying to) maintain a household, surviving mini-meltdowns- which I fear may be escalating to full-size meltdowns, refusing to cook dinners on my homework nights, grading my students' reading logs at home, panicking over contract negotiations, and feeling A L.O.T of guilt...not to mention A L.O.T of anxiety!
In fact, I've decided that motherhood is all about how much guilt and anguish one feels; especially as a working mother and a full-time student.
I have written exactly 6 papers for the 7 weeks I've been in school. Writing paper number 7 is on today's agenda along with ignore house cleaning, cooking, and baby because this paper is due tomorrow. See- guilt. Along with anxiety. I don't mean to ignore Jake, I really don't. In fact, there has been many a tear cried because I am not able to spend as much time with him as I want to or need to. Grrr...just writing about this makes me feel horrible.
Am I a bad mother?
I try to tell myself it's for the good of our family: I'll make more money once I have my Master's degree. I also tell myself that it's best to do all of this now while Jake is too young to remember the fact that I've abandoned him to write stupid, required papers. Ugh, am I just trying to soothe my own sadness?
In other updates:
Before I started back to work I took Jacob up to Salem for a portrait sitting at The Picture People. He was dressed as a cute little pumpkin and we sent out Halloween postcards to our family and friends. He looked so adorable, and he even smiled in some of pictures...oh, he melts my heart!
Because I am now back at work full-time, Jake is in daycare. So far it is going well. He seems to enjoy the stimulation and he has made a lot of friends. The high school girls swoon over him, and they've all told us that he is the cutest baby there. (I'm sure they tell the same thing to every parent). He has been finger painting, and practices sitting up and rolling over, though he can not yet do either of these unassisted.
I believe Jake is teething. He is soaking through 4-5 bibs daily with his drool, and he has taken to putting everything he can get his hands on into his mouth- including his fingers and/or fists. The last time we weighed him he was 17 lbs. 13 oz. and was 26.5 inches long. This still puts him in the 95%ile for both height and weight. We have a chubby, but content, baby on our hands. He is purposely smiling and laughs all the time!
I have updated photos of Jake on my Facebook account, but here are a few as well. I'm off to begin paper #7.... guilt, guilt, guilt.
5 comments:
Oh Em, you are not a bad mother! Life happens, but look how happy Jake looks in all those pictures! :O)
How cute that such a little thing is finger painting. Great pics. It's fun to see updated pics of your little guy.
I don't think anyone has ever figured out how to be the perfect mother. That won't stop them from trying to heap guilt on you, though. From what I have heard from others and seen first hand, the first year or so is hard no matter what choices you make in your life. So try not to worry.... Wish we could be there for you more.... And, er, give you strep throat?
Artax is right! If you choose one way you think you should have done it another. Children survive our guilt without knowing we felt it. As parents we do what we have to - you just make the best of it and move on. Feeling guilty is a waste of time - focus on how happy your little guy is.
Guess who?
I agree - we all just do the best we can. And in the end, as long as we do what we believe is best for our kids, and our kids know we love them, it will be okay. It's totally normal to second-guess every decision we make. But like someone else said, look how happy and healthy your little guy is. He's thriving, and that's what really matters.
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